"After her marriage falls apart, 42-year-old Sophie flees to France." Flees to France? Seriously? Flees to France? Because that's how most of us peons view it. I feel so bad for Sophie. How will she ever recover from being in France? Surely ythere;s no way in hell she can find any happienss there...! Barf. Lisa needs to raise her bar.
Tuesday, November 2, 2021
Song of the Forever Rains by EJ Mellow
"Larkyra," Seriously? That's the best name you got? "...a powerful sorceress whose voice can kill," And I know I just non-reviewed a story with this exact same character - but by a different author - just in the last few days! How tediously unoriginal. It's like one book just flows right into the next anymore, with barely a ripple to distinguish where one ends and the enxt begins. Yawn.
The Order of Time by Scott P Southall
It seems like I just non-reviewed this same book, but this is evidently a clone of the other one because it's essentially the same plot. "In this rollicking adventure," That right there is enough to warn you off this one. "11-year-old twins Anastasia and Edward embark on a high-stakes mission to ancient Egypt!" Because as you know, the Egyptians are utterly useless and need American kids to save them. How abusive an idea is that? What an appalling insult to a foreign power. This author couldn't have written about Egyptian kids on a high stakes mission? No, because who gives a shit about those "shithole countries" unless there's a white American savior involved? really? No wonder we're detested by half the world and barely tolerated by the other half.
When We Vanished by Alanna Peterson
The title alone should warn people off this one, and the blurb just makes it worse as usual: "While volunteering for a study at the mysterious Nutrexo corporation, Andi’s dad disappears — and she and her neighbor Cyrus set out to unravel the truth" because unquestionably, the best solution to a disppearance is to have a couple of clueless meddling kids running around trying to solve it.
The Trials of Apollo: The Tower of Nero by Rick Riordan
"Lester, the mortal form of the Greek god Apollo, faces off against the terrifying emperor Nero. Can he emerge triumphant and reclaim his place on Mount Olympus?" He's a fucking god. What do you think will happen, Rick? This is the author who culturally appropriated Greek mythology, shamelessly relocated it to the USA for no valid reason other than 'who gives a shit about any other nation' (Hey, it worked for Trump), and no one thinks there's a problem with that. Quite the contrary. They guy got rich from it and is feted for it! So please, do not assail me with your cultural appropriation shit when wholesale rip-offs like this go down totally uncommented.
The Little Christmas Teashop of Second Chances by Donna Ashcroft
"While scrambling to plan her best friend’s Christmas wedding, Lily finds herself thrown together with the groom’s brother, Josh, who’s as infuriating as he is handsome." Because the infuriatingly handsome shtick hasnever been done before - if you don't count the million times it has. No, what's going to happen here is that the infurating handsome guy will marry the desperate idiot girl, the marriage will self-destruct because he will not cease being infuriating just because he's married. In fact, it will get worse, and one of these two will be murdered. That's what happens in real life. This is fiction, and the author evidently has not an original bone in her body.
The Shape of Us by Drew Davies
Trying to think of something nice to say, but Drew a blank. That pretentious title, right there is a loud warning to stay the hell away from this pile of steaming crap. "In this heartwarming listen for fans of Love Actually, the lives of four strangers seeking happiness and love in London intertwine in ways they never expected." You know they were the only ones who didn't expect it? Every other motherfucker on the planet fully expected exactly what happens in this unimaginative, retreaded mishmash.
Seeking the Sheriff by Calle J Brookes
You know there's a seriously good case to be made for bringing back being put into the stocks for stupid book blurb writers. This one is about as unoriginal as you can get: "When struggling rancher Phoebe meets local sheriff Joel, they’re on opposite ends of the law. But with chemistry that’s off the charts...." What chart? Who maintains this chart? How is it constructed, and what determines when a chemistry goes off it? And if every single one of these stories has the chemistry off the charts, then doesn't this strongly suggest that the fucking chart is useless? This moronic book blurb writer, who's probably a failed author, needs to get a clue. But I can promise you they won't because they cannot help themselves. It's an inescapable addiction to bad, clichéd, and trope writing, you see.
The Beautiful Ashes by Jeaniene Frost
"When her sister goes missing, Ivy seeks to free her" Free her from being missing?! "...with the help of mysterious, sinfully sexy Adrian" Of course she does because this is a another author who operates under the firm conviction that a woman is utterly useless without a man to prop her up. Barf.
One Last Breath by Adam Nicholls
"When a corpse is found with strange carvings in its chest, homicide detective Jessie must hunt down a ruthless killer" as opposed to those killers who still do, you know, have a bit of Ruth left.... Yawn.
Seducing Whitney by Stephanie Julian
"To prevent her viperous stepmother from getting everything, Whitney turns to Chase and Ryan, her late father’s protégés." becuase as you know - according to a disturbingly large number of female authors - females are useless unless they have at least one, and in this case two, guys to lend them some worth. So paradoxically, Whitney effectively sells her body to keep what ought to be rightfully hers anyway. It might be even funny if it were not so nauseating. Barf.
Girl of Glass by Megan O’Russell
"When 17-year-old Nola Kent discovers an outsider child, she must leave the domes that shield her people and venture into the poisoned wastelands beyond… But are the survivors who live outside still human?" and this same story of the YA girl outside the dome rescued by a guy has been done how many hundreds of times before? Yawn. How i dream fo fidning an original YA story without a dumabss romance and a love griangle between girl, sweet boy, and bad boy. The problem is, almost no female YA authors have a clue how to write such a story. I know this because if they did, we'd see such stories and we almost never do.
Chengli and the Silk Road Caravan by Hildi Kang
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
The were multiple problems with this novel which is why I can't commend it as a worthy read. The basic story sounded quite engrossing: Chengli Chau is a 13-year-old orphan who lives in Changan, in seventh century China. He feels a call to join a caravan traveling the old silk road across the desert from one city to another where he might discover what happened to his father (which he never really does), and he begins learning the ropes - literally, since one of his duties is making sure packs are tied securely on camels.
During the course of the novel he encounters problems, hardship, thievery, a bandit raid, and a kidnapped Chinese princess. And that was one of the problems with this relatively short (~200 pages) story: there was far too much going on! Naturally, no one wants to read a tedious documentary about an uneventful caravan journey even though, undoubtedly, most of them had little out of the ordinary happen to them from one trip to the next. But on this journey, it was like everything, including the kitchen sink (if they had such a thing back then!) was thrown at this poor boy, and his life on this trip was one long torturous trial. It became tedious to read of these endless miseries with no leavening whatsoever in between.
Naturally an author wants to spice-up a story, but the trip itself would have been adventure enough without all the added drama. It felt like too much - like overkill and as such felt unnatural - not like an organic story. The boy was constantly abused and threatened with having his head cut-off maybe a half-dozen times. It felt unnatural.
The other side of this coin is that the book description promises us that we can "experience the sights, sounds, and smells of this fabled desert route," but we really don't get a whole heck of a lot of that. There was a lot that could have been learned here of history, but all we did learn was of hardship. There was a lot more to discover, but we were not allowed the opportunity: such as of the kinds of things that were transported, the kinds of people who made up the caravan, the joys some must have felt, traveling and pursuing their calling.
But we really got none of that, and really, no smells! Sights, yes, sounds, some, but that was about it. I got no real sense of what it was like to travel and live in the desert. There was little to nothing that conveyed the beauty of the dunes, the heat of the day, the cold of the night, the mirages. There wasn't a word about desert wildlife or the night sky, or of navigating the endless sand. It felt barren and empty, more like a sketch of a story than a real story.
The description told us that Chengli was called to the desert, but once he began the journey we got none of that. His desert bond disappeared and we heard virtually nothing of it after that. He exhibited no calling whatsoever; no joy of the desert or of the sand. We got no feelings that he might have had of the desert wind in his hair or the spices it carried assaulting his nostrils. It fell completely flat because of the endless trials and pains he endured. There really was no joy in this story.
On top of all this, the book was poorly put together, too. There is no chaptering. It's one, long, continuous, 200 page story! One chapter! No illustrations. And so we can jump several days or more from one paragraph to the next which makes the story extremely choppy, and it robs us of any real sense of a long passage of time. As well as all that, we get false promises! We get, for example, at one point, a promise of the giant waterwheels, at an upcoming city, and then those water wheels are never mentioned again. The book was seriously in need of a competent book editor.
This had the potential to be a fun and engaging story for young kids, but for all the reasons I mentioned it was not and I can't commend it as a worthy read. Young kids deserve better than this.
Monday, November 1, 2021
Fight Dirty with Me by Imogen Keeper
"Stranded in a blizzard with a rugged stranger, Lex indulges her every fantasy with only one rule: no questions. But then Crowley shows up on her doorstep months later, looking for more." So this threatening-looking muscle-bound asshole on the cover stalks her to her fucking front door uninvited, and we're supposed to think "how romantic?" There's a word for the authors of this kind of garbage. What's the opposite of keeper?
Risking the Shot by Amy Aislin
"NHL forward Taylor Cunningham" Taylor? Really? "...can’t stop thinking about Dakota Cotton" Seriously? This just gets worse. "...but can single dad Dakota afford to risk everything for a man who’s so much younger than him?" Waht the fiuck is he riskiong? A few dates? Why allthe melodrama? "...Love sparks between two hockey players" Why is it always fucking hockey players? Do thes authors not use their brain at all? Do they have a formula where they just supply the names and a few twists to the plot, and a computer generates the clone story for them? Barf. Used to be a writer actually had to write. Used to be a writer actually had to know how to write....
King Arthur and Her Knights: The Complete Series by KM Shea
"When Britt is pulled back in time by King Arthur’s legendary sword," She encounters zero problems with language or with culture or with women being second-class citizens back then! How miraculous. "...she must rely on the help of the talented and handsome wizard, Merlin" Jesus Fucking H Christ on a Biscuit. Seriously? This is an exact copy of that dumb-ass Robin Hood bullshit I non-reviewed below ("Sherwood Outlaws" by Hayley Osborn) with just a few name changes. Do these authors not have an origional bone in their body?
Love Redesigned by Jenny Proctor
"When New Yorker Dani" How is she a New Yorker when she's from Charleston, dipshit? "...fails to get a job in fashion, she returns home to Charleston" (see - I told you!) "...and reconnects with her brother — and her ex, Alex. Will life in the South help her make her dreams come true?" No, because she's fricking loser! She failed with her ex. She failed with her dumb-ass fashion job - the most fatuous and pretentious occupation on the planet, and now she's running back home like the whiny ass little loser-bitch she is, and we're supposed to believe this shallow dipshit can make her dreams come true? Wasn't her dream fashion? She's an asshole, period, but at least she has a Procter-ologist.
Long Island Iced Tina by Maria DiRico
"It’s not long before things spiral out of control at a baby shower Mia is hosting at her catering hall." And who's fault is that? "First, one gift turns out to be a shocking surprise, and then a guest’s body is found nearby. Can Mia solve the mystery? " Is she a fucking cop? No! Then it's none of her goddamned meddling business. She needs to stay the fuck out of the way and let the professionals deal with it. This asshole can't even organize a babyshower; how in fuck is she going to solve a murder? Seriously?
The Last Warrior by Jennifer Ashley
"Ben, the last of an ancient warrior race, is tasked with rescuing beautiful Rhianne from the clutches of a powerful Fae lord." Of course he is, because if there's one thing far too many female writers have been ramming down our throats for decades now, it's that female main charcters are FUCKING USELESS without a guy to save them and given them meaning. Barf. Ashley and her ilk should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for perpetuating this abusive and demeaning trash.
American Heiress by Jeffrey Toobin
"After she was kidnapped by a political group, college student and heiress Patty Hearst stunned the public by participating in robberies alongside her captors" Who the fuck cares? Seriously? Toobin is clearly stuck for ideas. This took place almost a half century ago! But I'll tell you why you must care - why you absolutely cannot not care, and it's right there in the title! She's an American heiress, because not another heiress on the entire planet Earth matters one-tenth as much as an American one! There you have it! Finally: the truth is out! LOL! Barf.
The Sin Eater's Daughter by Melinda Salisbury
Here's a 'no' right from the title. I refuse to have anything to do with novel that from the very title on down makes its main character and appendage of someone else, so Salisbury has a lto at stake.... "Twylla’s special gift" Twylla? Really? That's the best you got? "...makes her both valuable and dangerous — she can kill with a single touch. Isolated in the castle and waiting to be married to a prince, she meets a guard who doesn’t seem afraid of her power" of course she doe sbecause no matter what her power is, it;s inevitbalr the case that any woman in a YA novel absolutely requires a guy to save and vlaidate her. She;s utterly useless on ehr own. YA writers have this established in the constitution now. Woe betide anyone who disobeys their law. Barf.
The Gratitude Car by Isabelle Child, Vanity Olaires, Lana Mol
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This work is translated from the original Spanish, I assume, and I think it lost something in the translation. Curiously this did not appear to be a language issue! I would have loved to have seen the original version, but all I get is the ebook version which unfortunately too often leaves something to be desired. I'm not Spanish speaker by any means, but I feel I understand enough of it that - in a children's book like this - I could probably have got more out of the original than I did out of this.
I enjoyed the sentiment in this much more than the execution. The idea behind it is that not everyone gets what they want. No surprises there! But you can at least enjoy what you did get or what you already have. The idea is that this one family created a little paper 'car' which was actually a truck. I'm not sure why the original 'camion' (Spanish for 'truck') was translated this way unless it's because it's hard to get good rhymes with 'truck', but since car (In Spanish, that is 'coche') is only used in a rhyme once (with jar) in the entire book, it seems like a better choice would be 'cab', maybe.
However, this book was designed as a paperback with cutout plans for your own truck, which you can glue or stick together, so they were really rather locked into the original scheme. Anyway the idea is that they fill the back of the truck with their own grateful notes - about something they got which may not have been ideal, but for which they were thankful. This is a great attitude to have, but is the irony that the artwork in this book is so poor that one really needs to fill out a note saying how grateful we are for the bad artwork, because it's better than none at all?
I honestly do not know how this English version was made, but the feeling I got, right or wrong, is that maybe there never was an electronic version of this and in order to create the English review version, the original had to be scanned into a computer and maybe have English text added to it? Whatever it was, the end result is completely unacceptable.
The electronic version I got was appallingly scrappy, with very grainy artwork and poor positioning of the English text. I can't commend a version like this. Like I said, I never get to see the print version, but I sincerely hope it's better than this; however, given that all I have to judge this by is the version I was allowed to download, I cannot commend it because the design and quality of it are a disaster. Children - especially the impoverished ones this is evidently aimed at - deserve a lot better than this.
Jake and Ava A Boy and a Fish by Jonathan Balcombe, Rebecca Evans
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
I had thought this would be another grandpa fishing story, but it turned out to be a whole other kettle of fish, and being a lifelong vegetarian myself, I fully approved! It's a great book to be reviewing as the COP26 goes on right now.
I admired the stance taken here, because it's a very hard sell in the USA where everyone grows up feeling they have the innate right to rape and pillage nature and the hell with the consequences, and very few people ever truly question it - not really question it. But the fact is that life doesn't work the way most Americans like to comfortably think it does. The world isn't our oyster. Nature isn't here for us, and it isn't endlessly resilient. Now this self-centered 'I own it' attitude is coming back around to bite us, and we're starting to learn some hard lessons.
Fortunately Jake learns an easy lesson when he goes on the traditional fishing trip with grandpa. I never did go an any trips with any grandpas, but I would definitely have been Jake had I done so! They find a nice creek to set a lure and sit there waiting for a bite. This is how we mimic the manly man 'conquering' nature. Sad, isn't it? Meanwhile we get the underwater story too, as an uncle and his niece - archer fish - go out hunting themselves, and Ava is the fish who mistakenly bites on Jake's lure.
Jake chooses compassion for the fish and lets her go. He will never know it was Ava, and she will never know it was Jake, but that was decidedly a magical moment! I fully commend this book as both a worthy read and an unexpected and unusual bonus. And I wish it all the success in the world.
I'll Go Rhythm by Justin Webb, Kayla Stark
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This was a sweet and up-to-the-minute book of about 20 pages, creatively illustrated by Stark, and written in rhyme by Webb. It's about how people are herded and misled by the social media that most of us are hobbled to. I loved the title! Very much my kind of a play on words!
If you wanted to watch something truly scary for Halloween, you should have ditched the usual fare and watched a documentary on Netflix titled The Social Dilemma which is about how the social networks drill down on you and record your every nuance every time you do anything online. They know you better than you know yourself and they have algorithms in place to take advantage of the vast database that they own and that is you, and they will feed you things that are not intended to be necessarily in your best interest, but which are certainly intended to stroke your ego and keep you addicted to the platform you're on. There's a reason people who avail themselves of these services are called 'users'. It's the reason I have zero social media presence.
That was very much a documentary aimed at grown-ups; this book could well be the young children-accessible equivalent, right here. The story explains in terms children can understand, how your 'phantom friend' will come and lure you into seeking approval, getting those all-important likes, going down rabbit holes that reinforce themselves all along the way, and essentially wasting time getting depressed about your life and feeling bad about yourself, buoyed up just enough, now and then from the occasional thrill of finding something you like or that seems designed especially with you in mind, to keep you coming back. It's a sad and dependent way to live, and this book illustrated the dangers admirably - along with the wise choice of the girl to go her own way and follow the beat of her own drum. I commend it as a worthy read.
The Adventures of Johnny Butterflyseed by Tarisa Parrish, Stephanie Richoll
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
The United States is a nation not known for its love of monarchs - in fact, its very existence is due to overturning one. Whether that historical lack of respect has any bearing on the plight of the present day monarch butterfly is an open question, but these are modern day monarchs which are suffering every bit as much as King George 3rd did with his mystery illness. They're just suffering in a different way.
With the solid words of Parrish, based on real-life experience, and the beautiful art of Richoll and her charming butterfly girls, this book tells a short story of how every one of us can become a 'butterfly farmer' and help grow the milkweed that in turns grows the monarchs, and will help them recover from farming practices that have not been the monarch's friend - nor the friend to a host of other wildlife either.
For me the language of the story was a bit overly-florid at times, but it was about flowers and butterflies after all, so I guess I can't complain about that! I did love the story, and especially the can-do positivity, as well as the idea that everybody can pitch in here, and I fully commend this as a worthy read.
The Happy Owls by Celestino Piatti
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
Boldly drawn and colored by the author, this book is short and sweet and very much to the point, if only you're open to the message! The owls always seem content, cooing softly in their tumble-down ruin of a building. Meanwhile in the nearby farmyard, the animals are always feeding their faces and then squabbling. The wise owls try to explain that they should enjoy the moment, live for the now, and enjoy each new season as it comes around once more, but the impatient farmyard critters don't seem to get it. The owls do though and that's all that matters to them! They can't force others to understand. The story was entertaining and surprisingly deep and warm, and I commend this as a worthy read.
The Power of Kindness Through the Eyes of Children by Ruth Maille
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
Written by Ruth Maille, with art by the Pencilmaster Studio, this book of about twenty nicely-illustrated and colorful pages talks children through not only what kindness actually is, but also encourages them to share examples of kind things that a child might do, thereby illustrating and reinforcing an important lesson. There are many ways to be kind, and this book certainly gives a wide variety of options, ideas, and suggestions. The artwork is wonderfully diverse, although it would not have hurt to have had a disability represented in there. Other than that, it was very well done and I commend this as a worthy read.
Feeling Lonely by Mary Lindeen
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This is the third of three books by this author for young kids I'll be reviewing this month, which focus on difficult feelings that children may have, and may not even have a name for, much less understand, but which are an important part of life; sometimes a debilitating one, and which cover topics such as sadness, shyness, and in this case, loneliness. The book does a great job of dissociating minor, transient feelings of being alone, from a more serious condition of feeling lonely and not a part of things, even when there are others around you having fun and enjoying company.
The book is about thirty pages long and consists of a series of photographs, mostly of children, accompanied by short captions discussing the topic, asking questions, offering ideas and suggestions about what to do if you have these feelings, how to recognize them, and how to deal with them if you think you see these same feelings in others.
The captions are not overly dramatic. They're quite nuanced and very reasonable, and indicate that some people might not just be alone on occasion, but more commonly feel apart and isolated from everyone else even when there are others around. I felt this was a good approach in that it leads children to think more about their feelings and to distinguish better between something that's not a worry, and something else that might need their attention, and even the help of others.
The book is very diverse in its imagery, featuring children of all ethnicities, but for me there was a complete lack of pictures showing children with any sort of disability. While I can see how that could distract somewhat from the main topic, or perhaps even lead to some confusion, my own feeling is that it would not hurt to have shown a child with crutches or in a wheelchair or something like that. A disability might well be a root cause of feelings of loneliness, sadness, or shyness.
That was my only concern about the book. Otherwise it was wonderful, and I commend this one as a worthy read to both educate children to the problem of loneliness, which is not easy to pin down, and also to encourage those who are experiencing such feelings to open up and perhaps even encourage them to reach out and seek the help they need as well as promote awareness in other children of these conditions.
Feeling Sad by Mary Lindeen
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This is the second of three books by this author for young kids I'll be reviewing this month, which focus on difficult feelings that children may have, and may not even have a name for, much less understand, but which are an important part of life; sometimes a debilitating one, and which cover topics such as loneliness, shyness, and in this case, sadness.
The book is about thirty pages long and consists of a series of photographs, mostly of children, accompanied by short captions discussing the topic, asking questions, offering ideas and suggestions about what to do if you have these feelings, how to recognize them, and how to deal with them if you think you see these same feelings in others. Feelings of sadness can derive from a variety of sources and this book does a great job is indicating this.
The captions are not overly dramatic. They're nuanced and reasonable, and indicate that some people might experience some of these feelings part of the time, but otherwise feel fine. In other cases, the feelings might be more pressing. I felt this was a good approach in that it leads thoughts into these areas without risking making children feel like they might be experiencing something they're really not.
Some of the children are so small in these pictures, and so perfectly-formed tiny human beings that it's really a grave pain in the heart to imagine any of them might have feelings such as those that this - and the other books - try to address, but it is a fact of life, and the sooner it's addressed, the better off we all are, not just the child who might be experiencing unaccountable feelings of sadness.
The book is commendably diverse in the imagery it employs, featuring children of all ethnicities. I did note a complete lack of pictures showing children with any sort of disability. I can see how that might distract somewhat from the main topic, or perhaps even lend some confusion, but I honestly do not think it would have hurt to have shown a child with crutches or in a wheelchair. A disability might well be a root cause of feelings of loneliness, sadness, or shyness.
That was my only concern about the book. Otherwise it was wonderful, and I commend this one as a worthy read to both educate children to the issue of sadness in young children, especially when they have been, and are going, through hell with the pandemic, and hopefully to encourage those who don't feel at their happiest, to reach out to others instead of withdrawing.
Feeling Shy by Mary Lindeen
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This is the first of three books by this author for young kids I'll be reviewing this month, which focus on difficult feelings that children may have, and may not even have a name for, much less understand, but which are an important part of life; sometimes a debilitating one, and which cover topics such as loneliness, sadness, and in this case, shyness. I can relate since I was terribly shy as a kid. Actually maybe not terribly - I was rather good at being shy!
The book is about thirty pages long and consists of a series of photographs, mostly of children, accompanied by short captions discussing the topic, asking questions, offering ideas and suggestions about what to do if you have these feelings, how to recognize them, and how to deal with them if you think you see these same feelings in others.
The captions are not overly dramatic. They're nuanced and reasonable, and indicate that some people might experience some of these feelings part of the time, but otherwise feel fine. In other cases, the feelings might be more pressing. I felt this was a good approach in that it leads thoughts into these areas without risking making children feel like they might be experiencing something they're really not.
The book is very diverse in its imagery, featuring children of all ethnicities. I did note a complete lack of pictures showing children with any sort of disability. I can see how that might distract somewhat from the main topic, or perhaps even lend some confusion, but I honestly do not think it would have hurt to have shown a child with crutches or in a wheelchair. A disability might well be a root cause of feelings of loneliness, sadness, or shyness.
That was my only concern about the book. Otherwise it was wonderful, and I commend this one as a worthy read to both educate children to this problem, and to encourage those who are shy to perhaps find ways out of that shell of isolation.
Twas the Night by Marin Darmonkow
From an advance review copy for which I thank the publisher.
This was a beautifully-done book, with twelve pages (double page spreads that is - very likely for each of the twelve days of Christmas!) and no text at all. It tells itself: a young wheelchair-traveling boy finds an injured dove and takes it home and cares for it until it's well, and in doing so dreams of flying away from his own confinement, just as the dove must also dream. Sweet story, beautiful sentiments, gorgeous Christmassy illustrations. I commend it fully as a worthy seasonal read.
Apocalypse by Kyle West
"On his first trip outside the underground bunker where he was born, Alex Keener finds a barren landscape where humans have been transformed into monsters and every breath is a fight for survival." Any word on how many scores of times this exact same story has been told? What a great original title though. Not.
Emerge by Melissa A Craven
Is Melissa a craven cloner of previously published stories, because this shtick: "Socially awkward Allie finds her life transformed when she meets her mysterious new next-door neighbor, Aidan" has been done to death. There's nothing new here. Yawn.
Watching the Detectives by Julie Mulhern
Taking its title, perhaps, from Elvis Costello's 1977 single, this book launches right in with a problematic blurb: "Inspired Amateur sleuth" - that's me out right there. No sleuths, please. "Ellison Russell is searching high and low for a murderer." That's why the murderer is hiding out at middle height, where Ellison, for some reason, seems particularly squeamish about searching. "Her country club society is filled with gossips, scoundrels, and unsavory gentlemen" so why does she inhabit it? This doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, and especially not when another amateur meddler like this is screwing-up the crime scenes and more than likely withholding crucial evidence from the actual police. Yawn.
Wicked by EM Lindsey
"Hawke takes refuge from his difficult past in the Broken Chains motorcycle club — and he’ll do absolutely anything for his brothers. But Jax" Hawke and Jax? seriously? That's the best you got? I could barely stop laughing for long enough to even type these words. What a dumb-ass, retreaded, piece of shit story this is! Barf! I can guarantee you that there's nothing remotely wicked in it.
Wolf Point by Ian K Smith
"When a prominent Chicagoan’s watery death is ruled a suicide, PI Ashe Cayne" Ashe Cayne? Seriously? That's the dumb-ass name you came up with? The dumb-asses at Publishers Weekly supposedly claimed, "This is smart, smooth escapism. Readers will hope Cayne will be back soon" But no. We don't. What we hope is that smart, inventive, original, and truly imaginative authors will come back soon.
Nightmares! by Jason Segel, Kirsten Miller
“Coraline meets Monsters, Inc." That's me out right there. It's insulting when someone compares you as an author to a mashup of two other authors, or your work to a blend of two other works - like you ripped it off. "Charlie must learn to conquer his fears when his nightmares start crossing over into the real world"? Seriously? Doesn't he have a chocolate factory to run, too! There's a serious problem here and Charlie is right to be scared that his nightmares are coming out onto Elm Street. Oh, wait: now there's a third mashup! Ye gads!
Next Year in Havana by Chanel Cleeton
Reese Witherspoon apparently declared this to be "A beautiful novel that’s full of forbidden passions, family secrets, and a lot of courage and sacrifice" I mean, who cares what it's about! "She" recommends it! Well, if she recommends it, I'm out. This is the woman who, in 2013, was arrested for disorderly conduct after her husband was stopped on suspicion of DWI. She then had the snotty pretentiousness to ask the police officer, doing his job, "Do you know my name? You’re about to find out who I am! You’re about to be on national news." In short, she's an asshole and I would never want any book I wrote to be remotely associated with her name.
Ninth City Burning by J Patrick Black
"On a devastated future Earth, military cadet Jax and migrant Naomi join an epic quest to stop a terrifying alien invasion!" as opposed to those invasions that aren't remotely terrifying and in fact are quite fun? Barf. And once again, we have the most over-employed go-to guy Jack - or in this futuristic version, Jax, which is just as bad. Do these authors have no imagination? So, no thanks. I'll catch the next "terrifying invasion." And what's with that ninth city? I'll bet it's the ninth US city, not the ninth in the world, because who cares if the rest of the world is burning?!
Looking for Rachel Wallace by Robert B Parker
"When the woman private eye Spenser was hired to protect disappears," it means he's an utterly incompetent, useless asshole and we shouldn't read anything more about him. Any novel with a woman's name in the title prefixed by a 'looking for' or an 'in search of' is an automatic piece of shit, so the decision is a no-brainer - as is his story.
Zero Cool by Michael Crichton aka John Lange
"A lively thriller about an American doctor whose European vacation turns into a death-defying hunt for ancient secrets." So, Crichton has outright lied to people about who he is and now he's owning up to it, we're expecting to reward his estate by buying more of his right-wing diatribes? No. Not me.
Her Best Friend’s Lie by Laura Wolfe
"Five college friends rent a remote cabin on a lake, expecting an idyllic reunion. But some of them are keeping chilling secrets" Anyone want to hazard a guess as to how many times has this exact same story has been told already? Far too many, that's for sure. Barf. Some authors seriously need to get a clue.
Billionaire’s Matchmaker by Sierra Cartwright
"For professional matchmaker Hope, finding a wife for Rafe is just another job — until the sexy billionaire decides to claim her for his own." Ri-ight, because she's not a person, she's a piece of property to be claimed and owned. If any book needs to be banned, it's this kind of fucked up shit, for sure. Authors who write this trash should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I wish them all the lack of sales in the world.
The Scarlet Rose by Valia Lind
"An enchanting Beauty and the Beast retelling." Of course it is, because if there's one thing this planet so desperately needs, it's yet another tired retelling of yet another tired fairytale that's only been done a score of dozens of times already. Yawn.
The Ghosts of Marshley Park by Amanda Innes
"When 16-year-old Jade wakes up in a graveyard and realizes she’s dead, she meets Victorian ghost Julian." Of course she does because if there's one thing that so many female YA authors have worked so very hard to so consistently establish it's that a woman, even a ghost woman, is utterly useless without a guy to prop her up. Barf. So this sixteen year old girl is now dating a hundred year old guy, who nevertheless behaves as though he's the same age as she is? Okay. And despite being around for a century, observing society changing, Julian is going to be utterly overwhelmed by this thoroughly modern force of nature that is sixteen year old Jade? Yawn. I've read more interesting tombstones.
The Dig by Steven F Freeman
"When two archaeologists are murdered and another goes missing, army veteran Alton and FBI agent Mallory are sent to the dig site to investigate." Of course they are because it has to be a relationship between one man and one woman otherwise it's unnatural. Yawn. And why the fuck is an army veteran going along? For his archaeological expertise? No, it's because he's going to rescue the poor useless weak woman. Fuck. This. Shit. But to be completely fair, what a stunningly original and inventive title this novel has....
The Stationmaster’s Cottage by Phillipa Nefri Clark
"After Christie inherits a ramshackle seaside cottage, she discovers mysterious wedding rings and a collection of love letters in the attic — and is swept up in a romantic story 50 years in the making." Anyone want to hazard a guess as to how many times has this exact same story has been told already? Far too many, that's for sure. Barf. Some authors seriously need to get a clue. Reference "Summer at Hideaway Key" by Barbara Davis, non-reviewed this month. It's the exact same story.
Sierra's Homecoming by Linda Lael Miller
"After moving to her family’s ranch with her son, Sierra finds herself falling for its handsome caretaker, Travis. And as her past begins to spill into her present, Sierra discovers that some love stories are as old as time." No, they're really not, because writers like this one, who evidently don't have an original bone in their body, keep retreading and republishing these same stories over and over again! Yawn.
Sherwood Outlaws Complete Box Set by Hayley Osborn
"When Maryanne is transported back in time to medieval England, she finds herself shaping a scoundrel named Robin Hood into the legend he’s fated to become." Oh puleaze! This woman goes back and has a YA romance, I'll bet, with zero problems in culture, language, gender politics, or anything else. Barf. No thanks! Dumb from the ground up. The author desperately needs some new zeal and this book should be ground up. And recycled. This, for example, is an exact copy of "King Arthur and Her Knights" by KM Shea with just a few name changes. I 'non-review. that above. Do these authors not have an original bone in their body?
Sweet Beginnings by Nicole Ellis
"When Dahlia" Dahlia? Really? How florid! "...returns to her late aunt’s seaside estate, she’s surprised to discover a run-down house and a struggling bookshop." Why surprised? She hadn't ever visited her old aunt, yet she's rewarded for that neglect by this bequest? Sounds fair. "With the help of handsome neighbor Garrett," Ri-ight, because every woman's endgame is a handsome and perfect guy.... "Book one in a series!" A series of what, exactly? Of Dahlia constantly having property willed to her from one death after another, going there, finding it run down and attached to a bookshop, or a cup-cake bakery, or a knitting shop, and meeting a handsome man? Barf. Sorry, but that story had already been done to death long before this unimaginative author cloned it for her own purposes.
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