"Arizona Sheriff Joanna Brady and Seattle detective JP Beaumont" aka The Big Bopper, from Richardson, Texas must team up." They meet at the Sheldon National Antelope Refuge, created by that guy from Big Bang Theory, and wonder why they're lost somewhere on the border of Oregon and Nevada when they ought to be in their respective states solving crime. "Their two homicide investigations intersect in a shocking way" when they discover that the fence surrounding the park is electrified and they spend the rest of their life reporting on current affairs for ABC - the Antelope Broadcasting Corporation..... Yawn.
Thursday, September 23, 2021
Cave of Bones by Anne Hillerman
"Police officer Bernadette Manuelito investigates a missing person case on volcanic terrain, while Sergeant Jim Chee faces trouble after a man he imprisoned for domestic violence is released." Meanwhile his Korean half-sister Kim Chee, a victim of foreign violence takes out her frustrations on the last surviving volcano, rendering it extinct....
The Medusa Stone by Jack Du Brul
"When an American spy satellite crashes down in Eritrea, it reveals a legendary lost mine! Can geologist Philip Mercer survive an international web of danger and intrigue?" Nah. He was standing right under it when it came down. He's dead as a doornail. Meanwhile other dead doornails rise up and it becomes a zombie apocalypse of dead doornails. Resentful of being abused for so many years to describe dead folks, they rebel and rampage through city after city nailing victims relentlessly. Yawn. It needs to be retitled Doornail of the Dead....
Defiance by Jason Krumbine
"A century after an alien attack nearly destroyed the entire United Planetary Alliance, the enemy has returned. Isolated on the outer rim, daring Captain Mitchell and the crew of the USS Defiance are about to become the first line of defense." Why? The UPA have had a century to prepare for another alien attack and they're caught unawares? They have no AI defenses? No robot defenses? This author like so many other sci-fi authors (I'm looking at you David Weber) has simply not thought it through. Naturally you want a human element in your story, but that doesn't mean the story has to be brain-dead and reliant on the same thinking, and the same technology, we use today! Nor on the same unimaginative bullshit stories everyone else has already told at least twice.
Coconut Cowboy by Tim Dorsey
"From a New York Times bestselling author" I somehow doubt that! "Determined to recreate the classic film Easy Rider, serial killer Serge mounts a motorcycle and heads to Florida in pursuit of freedom and the American Dream!" Since when is serial-killing the American dream? This ought to be renamed "Plain Nuts Cowboy" What's Serge's first name? Covid? Barf.
Under the Harrow by Flynn Berry
Flynn Berry? Seriously? "Nora travels to the country to visit her sister - but finds her" sister has travelled to the city to visit her! They go back and forth like this for several weeks until one of them is killed by exhaustion. The other is beside herself so it's like no one died. Barf. Another cookie cutter murder non-mystery.
Night Is Darkest by Jayne Rylon
"After a tragedy, Lacey finds comfort in the arms of her brother's two best friends, Mason and Tyler - An 'irresistibly sexy' read" I'll resist. Mason and Tyler? These guys work in the building trade? Barf. I cannot argue with the title though. She got that right. Sign along with me: The night is dark, the day is light, together we learn to fuck all night, fuck all ni-i-ight...! This author seems to specialize in the dumbest stories imaginable.
The Given by Gary Clark/Thornfruit by Felicia Davin
The Given by Gary Clark "Teenage Jay has the power to read minds - but in her world, that ability is outlawed. When she finds herself targeted and on the run, she must unravel a mystery and unlock her true potential in order to find freedom." AND Thornfruit by Felicia Davin "Gifted with the ability to read minds, Alizhan operates as a thief of secrets. When she becomes the target of a deadly plot, she escapes the city, aided by quiet farm girl Ev - and the two grow closer as they uncover a sweeping conspiracy." I already reviewed Thornfruit negatively, having read at least part of the story, but my issue here is: how are these two stories really any different? It's essentially the same basic plot! There's nothing original here, and it's not worth my time. The amusing thing is that they were both literally side by side in a discount book flyer!
Tropic of Stupid by Tim Dorsey
"After Serge Storms..." Stop right there. Check please! I'm done here. The only stupid here is the main character's name. That's enough for me to know exactly how this plays out. Yawn.
Blood & Ash by Deborah Wilde
"This urban fantasy is an 'action-packed, perfectly paced paranormal romp' (Publishers Weekly starred review) that’s perfect for fans of Patricia Briggs!" Who the fuck is Patricia Briggs? "After she’s attacked while investigating a missing persons case, Vancouver PI Ashira Cohen discovers she has supernatural powers. Together with Levi," the jeans manufaturer...seriously? Levi? Because god forbid we should have a female character solve or fix anything without being led by a guy. Yawn.
Wednesday, September 22, 2021
Deep Fathom by James Rollins
"With the United States on the verge of nuclear apocalypse, former Navy SEAL Jack" stop ight ther ebcause I am flaloigna lseep already. Insanely apocalyptic claim, borign goto character named kjack? FUCK JACK! Get a new name for fuck's sake becaus eif all youc an do is continualyl retread the most over-used fuckign am,me in ficitonal hisotry then I am NEVER gign tor ead your shit. barf.
For the Wolf by Hannah Whitten
"Cursed with immense power, Red is destined to be sacrificed to the Wolf of the Wood - but if she refuses, the fate of the kingdom could be at stake." Why? Is the wolf a vampire? Stake - vampire, get it? Never mind.... On a more serious note, can anyone say 'Beauty and the Beast redux'? Yawn. Not impressed. That 'immense power' was a dead giveaway - that the story is dead.
Monday, September 20, 2021
By Earth by T Thorn Coyle
I read one book - or started it anyway, by this author and she's far too invested in her topic. That novel came off far more as preaching than story-telling. This one is billed as The Witches of Portland #1, and it's the inevitable start of the inevitable series because Selene forbid we should have any more standalone novels. Jeeze!
The plot is that ghosts are invading Portland Oregon - why that should be I have no idea. Maybe it's explained in the novel, but I have little faith in that. Here's the real problem though: "Cassie has trouble enough, and then Joe walks into the café." Joe is "Cute enough to be interesting," but he's also "haunted and doesn't know it. Haunted by a dead girlfriend who insists the city itself is in trouble." I can see exactly how this story will pan out right from there and it's boring. Even if it doesn't play out exactly as it seems like it will, it's still boring. There is nothing new here and it made no internal sense, either. I'm not buying this ghost story!
Wrapped in the Past by Chess Desalls
This was a weird story about a time traveler who takes his family on a trip back, purportedly, to the deserts of the Middle East where they meet the "three magi" following the star to Bethlehem. This is such a literal interpretation of the Biblical story and it's not even accurate, even if we pretend for a minute that the story was true. This legend appears only in the gospel of Matthew, which Matthew didn't write, and nowhere does it say there were three dudes.
There are three prized treasures mentioned, but that doesn't mean there were three magi each with one treasure. Nor is there any solid indication that they were literally following a bright star in the sky. It merely says that they saw his star in the east (not in the west, note!) and have come to bow before him. They could have been astrologers who looked at a chart saw some sort of a sign and headed out with no star visible in the sky whatsoever. The best guess is that (assuming there were real) they were Zoroastrian priests. Zoroastrianism, coming out of what's now Iran, has had a significant influence on the development of Christianity.
The thing about this story is: how did this family happen to light down in the very place where these dudes were traveling? The desert is not a small place and although there were trade routes, they were vague. There was no highway to follow. This family had no idea where they would be along the route, even assuming that they were following one. They didn't even know which year this took place nor at what time of year, so the improbabilities were rife. Add to that the morphing yacht turning into a camel and the convenient fact that the father has taken very little time to master the common languages of that place and period, it was too much. It would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than to consider this to be realistic fiction.
Jenny Greenteeth by Aubrey Law
This is one a series of short stories that are presented as prequels to the Black Annis story by this author that I read and enjoyed a while back. They're free downloads, but they were really not very thrilling because first of all they didn't mean a whole heck of a lot to me. I don't recall any of these characters from the Black Annis story, although it's been a while and a few books since I read that. On top of that, the story is so short you can never really get into it.
One of the problems with this for me was the same problem I'd had with Black Annis in that there was a significant gross-out factor to it, and there's only so much disgusting description I can read without becoming truly tired of it. The problem here is that gross-out was all this particular story seemed to be! It went into some detail about Jenny Greenteeth's foul habits and depraved diet and her abominable abdominal activities, and it really lost me in the sense that my eyes were glazing over after a paragraph or two of that, and yet still it went on.
The story was about four wizards - who I didn't know and had zero investment in. Their fates were immaterial to me, so there was no excitement or engagement. Anyway, they set out into the swamp to take down Greenteeth, who apparently used to be married to that Bluetooth guy. Just kidding! Why they were after her, I do not know, other than that she was simply gross, maybe. The thing which strikes me about these 'magic' stories is that they are so dated in their philosophy.
I mean, Greenteeth lived "in a bloody swamp," as Michael Palin might describe it. She never left and only preyed upon those who entered, so all they had to do was fence it off, and the problem was solved. But they stalk in there, using old school magic, and get their noses bloodied eventually. Why not just conjure up a tactical nuke? Or a black hole to swallow her up? Their techniques seemed laughably quant.
So for a variety of reasons I can't commend this as a worthy read.
Rainbow Six by Tom Clancy
Way to trash a symbol of peace and love, Tom! Name a terrorist group after a rainbow. Or is the six referring to the SEAL team - who are all gay? Now that would be a story worth reading, but this, this is Tom's same old shtick. From "the wildly popular author of The Hunt for Red October" which was published three decades ago and this is the only recommendation the blurb can give him? This is because Tom Clancy isn't even in the top 100 American authors in terms of book sales, let alone world authors, so how is he 'wildly popular'? Lewis Carroll outsells Tom Clancy and he's been dead for over a century. "Navy SEAL veteran John Clark must take down a terrorist group with the power to annihilate the entire human race." Ri-ght! Yawn.
The Pardon by James Grippando
Grippando is a freaking awesome name to conjure with. I wish it had conjured something better. "A Miami defense attorney and his father, the governor of Florida, are forced to overcome their differences when a killer puts the lives of both men in jeopardy." Why? Does the governor and his family not have protection? Why is this an issue?
The Island by Mary Grand
"After years abroad," Does this mean she is a broad or that this is the roam-eo part of the story? "Juliet returns to the Isle of Wight" only to discover people of color now live there and it's been renamed the Isle of Diversity. No wonder her racist father is dying. But secretly, he's perfectly healthy and he is in fact, the "killer stalking the island" trying to wipe out the non-whites. Meanwhile Juiliet is at a complete loss. She doesn't know what to do and takes to roaming again - the streets, alone, at night, singing old Knack songs such as "My Verona" and "Good Girls Don't (But I Sleuth)." Barf.
All Together by Brill Harper
"Nerdy Penelope" as stereotypically exemplified by the eyeglasses on the cover, "has never even been kissed." Yeah, because she's hotter than hell, but those damned eyeglasses prevented anyone from seeing it until these two horny toads came along. Ri-ight! Way to slot people into trite pigeon holes. Barf. What is "Brill" short for just out of curiosity, or is it the full name? Or is her name actually Harper Brill and she switched it for effect, which would be pretty cool?
Zen Ties by Jon J Muth
Are zen ties at all like zip ties? "A giant panda named Stillwater uses Zen wisdom to teach his haiku-loving nephew about compassion and friendship." So a Chinese animal is teaching Buddhism and Japanese poetry to another Chinese animal? This sounds very confused. And confusing. I liked "Zen Ghosts" by this author, but I think he needs a new shtick.
Million Dollar Date by Susan Hatler
I have a soift spot for the name Susan, but I have to reject this one. "To save her local dog rescue, pet lover Abigail must convince police officer Cooper - her blind date turned enemy - to fund the charity. But as she spends time with her polar opposite, could she also end up wanting something else?" So she's willing to sell her body for cash? Isn't that prostitution? And where is a police officer going to come up with a million dollars? And why him? Is there no one else to ask? And if he's the sort of person who has to be convinced to help out animals, what the fuck is she doing with a jerk like that anyway? No. Just no.
Death by Cashmere by Sally Goldenbaum
Now if it were "Death in Kashmir" it might ave intrigued me, but this is evidently just another stupid yarn: "When a killer strikes too close to home in her Massachusetts seaside village, knitting shop owner and super sleuth Izzy Chambers is dead set on tracking down the culprit!" No, and no. And one more time: the hell no! A knitting shop owner? She's better at catching criminals than the police? Any novel that has the word 'sleuth' on the cover is an automatic rejection. And a knitting shop owner? Wolly thinking if I ever saw it.... Yawn.
Left to Run by Blake Pierce
I think this title's missing a 'nowhere'! "As FBI special agent Adele Sharp..." stop right there! A book written by Pierce has an FBI agent named sharp? No. Just no. How can a novel with such a trite character name be considered cutting edge? Jsut aksing! Yawn.
A Taste of Rosebridge Box Set by Harper Logan
"This collection transports you to the small town of Rosebridge, where three men discover their perfect matches" which is the worst thing that could have happened to them because all three were heavy smokers and now they had the perfect lighting tool, chain smoking became a real option. Long story short, they all died within minutes of each other one magical winter's night, happily smoking themselves to death. Santa died of a heart-attack upon seeing there was no fucking box with this set!
A Million Junes by Emily Henry
"From a New York Times bestselling author" - who ought to know better then! This is yet another in a long line of uninteresting Romeo and Juliet rip-offs. The title alone ought to steer anyone in their right mind away from this. "June and Saul were born into two opposing families with a legendary feud - but when they team up to unravel the magical truth behind the rift, it sparks a forbidden love" Barf.
Save Me a Seat by Sarah Weeks, Gita Varadarajan
Now I concede that 'Varadarajan' is an amazing name that would probably take Weeks to pronounce (see what I did there?), but I can't get with the blurb. "As Ravi struggles to find his place at his new school, he discovers an unlikely ally in Joe, the class bully’s other target." Thus is yet another novel that teaches kids that they're on their own, no adult, least of all a teacher, will help them. No wonder Monty Kirkus's Fly-ass Circus loved it.
Bones of Faerie by Janni Lee Simner
Here's the weird thing about this one. The blurb tells us: "Will appeal to readers of Holly Black and Cassandra Clare (Kirkus Reviews)" _ why do they have to quote Kirkus Reviews in saying who it will appear to? I know Kirkus doesn't remotely grasp the idea of a negative review, but what if this was that once-in-a-blue Moon negative review so all they could quote was that? That's truly pathetic, isn't it? Another reason to dislike this book. On top of that, it starts with "In a world" which turned me off. Do fairies even ahve bones? I thought they boasted exoskeletons? Anyway, it continues, "devastated by the war between humans and Faerie," The author is too chickenshit to call them fairies, so we have the return of the 'fae'. That's the death knell right there. Don't need to read another word to know I would hate this novel, although I do love the "Janni Lee" part of the author's name. That sounds pretty cool to me, and I did like her "Tiernay West, Professional Adventurer" but I cnalt get with one with a blurb like this.
The Jack Reacher Cases Box Set: Books 10–12 by Dan Ames
Another Jack Reach-Around fun-fester. Who really cares? Obviously not many, if this author has to unload three volumes for ninety-nine cents. Go look up the definition of 'market saturation' and see if that helps any....
The Other Wife by Claire McGowan
"Living in an isolated cottage with her controlling husband, Suzi is terrified that someone will discover the secret she guards. When Nora moves in next door," Wait, what? Wasn't the cottage isolated? How can there be a next door? LOL! That's how dumb this garbage is. "Suzi is delighted to have a friend — but her new neighbor seems to know more about Suzi than she should." That's because dumb-ass Suzi has been posting all her shit on F-book and other brain-dead online addictions.
Their Matchmaker by Allyson Lindt
"Cynthia needs investors to fund her high-tech matchmaking service — but Aaron and Gavin won’t bite unless she lets them test her algorithm!" You bet your ass they test her algorithm and not one of the three cares a shit about the sexual history of the other two. They'll get theirs coming.... Lindt removal, aisle nine, please!
Gunpowder Moon by David Pedreira
"While working a lucrative mining operation on the moon, Caden Dechert is swept into a dangerous conspiracy that could have catastrophic consequences." Of course he is - because regular consequences can never be enough. Why are dudes working there instead of robots? Oh, I know, because this is one of those common sci-fi novels in which metallic plague has wiped out all robots, so humans have to fill their jobs. This book cover shows a space helmet lying on the Moon's surface with a bullet hole in it. Either the author or the cover artist apparently doesn't get that there's no air on the moon therefore gunpowder will not burn, therefore bullets will not fly unless you have some sort of a compressed air system to fire it. He'll figure it out. Yawn.
The Color of a Dream by Julianne MacLean
Any novel with a title like this is worth skipping. Again, this is the same story as the orevious two I just listed. "Nadia has survived a heart transplant - but when a recurring dream leads her to heroic rescue pilot Jesse" We get a plot that's been done to death a million times already and a woman depserately in need of saving by soem hot dude. Yawn.
Hawk by James Patterson, Gabrielle Charbonnet
James Patterson sucks as an author. Here's another reason why: "In postapocalyptic New York City, 17-year-old Hawk survives alone - but does she share a destiny with Maximum Ride, the winged hero who disappeared 10 years ago?" Maximum Ride? Why not just call him Vaginal Orgasm-Guaranteed? At its core, this novel is exactly the same as the "Fire in Ice" I just got through discussing.
Fire in Ice by Jennifer DiGiovanni
Any novel with a title of this nature is almost guaranteed to be unadulterated crap. "After recovering from a rare illness, Cara discovers she has the unusual ability to generate energy. Alex shares the same gift — and when they cross paths, he must teach her" Of course he must because women are useless in these books, especially when written by female YA authors. They always need a guy to rescue and then validate them, and to especially treat them like a child. Barf
The Last Vampire by Kathryn Meyer Griffith
I wish it were the last vampire. "In a world" OMG, it's an "In a World" story.... "where the human race is spiraling toward extinction and vampires are starting to follow suit, Emma Bloodworth" Stop right there. Emma Bloodworth? Seriously? Fuck this shit. Vampires suck and have been done to death.
Finding Fraser by KC Dyer
"obsessed Outlander fan Emma flies to Scotland in search of a real-life Highland hero." That should tell you all you need to know to avoid this shit like the plague, right there. I take that back; it's not shit - it's diarrhea. Any novel with a title of that format is highly suspect. Yawn.
Meditations in Green by Stephen Wright
A title like this is an automatic no to me. And I don't think it's written by the comedian Stephen Wright - in which case it might have been worth a read. "After returning from his deployment in Vietnam, US soldier James Griffin seeks solace as he struggles to adjust to civilian life." Who cares, really? That war ended half a century ago, yet we're still obsessed with it? Let's be obsessed, if we must, with internalizing the lesson from it, because clearly we haven't done that yet given the failure of four consecutive presidents over Afghanistan, and with taking care of returning vets. Other than that, let it go for fuck's sake.
The Haunting of Briarwych Church by Amy Cross
"In the midst of World War II, Father Lionel Loveford is tasked with reopening an abandoned church with a tragic history." Why? In the 'midst' or a world war, this is all he can find to do? "But there’s a malevolent presence lurking in the shadows — and it is desperate to exact revenge on the entire village" Exact revenge is nothing. It's the imprecise revenge that scares me! Seriously - this is going to be one of those stories where for reasons inexplicable, the malevolent spirit is supremely subtle to begin with and then slowly ramps up the revenge instead of going full metal hack it on them from the off. Why? No one ever explains that. And why isn't the malevolence already "exacting" revenge? Why does it have to wait until the church is reopened? And where is Father Lovelace's god? Why is this god so useless in cases of malevolent spirits? Why is it that humans have to be the ones to fix it? Not much of a god really, is it?
See You in the Cosmos by Jack Cheng
Slap a Newberry on this one. Yawn. Kirkus calls it "riveting" because they evidently don't know what that means outside of the sheet metal construction business. The story is that "Alex loves everything about the cosmos — especially Carl Sagan, his dog named after the astronomer. But a trip away from home makes Alex realize that Earth (and his family on it) are way more special than he thought." Absolutely. It turns out that his dog is actually the reincarnation of Carl Sagan, being punished for his evil atheistic ways, but he comes up with a new theory that finally explains Stephen Hawking, and the cosmos suddenly makes sense! Jennifer Niven raves: "I haven’t read anything that has moved me this much since Wonder." Who the fuck is Jennifer Niven and why should I care what she thinks?
New Girl in Little Cove by Damhnait Monaghan
"Arriving in Little Cove as the village’s new French teacher, mainlander Rachel is a fish out of water. Can she learn to love her new community?" Nope! My prediction is that she goes psycho on their quirky asses, gunning them all down mercilessly before rampaging gloriously across Ireland - or wherever this is set - and then the globe, wiping out humanity until she's all that's left - she and her little friend, who now no one can meet....
This Body of Death by Elizabeth George
"After his wife’s murder, inspector Thomas Lynley stepped away from Scotland Yard… but a disturbing crime deep in a secluded cemetery requires his return." And yet again with the 'coming out of retirement' meme. How many scores of times has this been done? I read and negatively reviewed a novel by this author in 2016 and evidently she's shown no sign of improvement in five years. Yawn.
After Anna by Alex Lake
Performed by an Earphones Award–winning narrator: A week after Julia’s five-year-old daughter vanishes without a trace, she returns home, seemingly unharmed - but has no memory of what happened or where she’s been." How many times has this same plot been warmed over now? Yawn.
His Wife's Sister by AJ Wills
A chilling thriller read by dual narrators!" Barf. "After disappearing 19 years earlier, Damian’s sister-in-law Mara is found in the woods - alone, starving, and telling a harrowing tale of an underground cell and a miraculous escape." Automatic no to any novel where the title renders t he female as an appendage of someone else - evne when she's the "wife's sister." Doesntl she have a name? And isn't this the exact plot of the 1997 movie Kiss the Girls? Yawn.
Reawakened by Colleen Houck
While visiting a museum, 17-year-old Lily meets a handsome stranger - who turns out to be an ancient Egyptian prince!" Of course he does because Cleo forbid we should actually have a story about a 17 year old woman who doesn't need validation from a man. I'll bet the prince speak perfect English with an American idiom too. Barf.
Sunday, September 19, 2021
Extra Dirty by Mia Gold
"Former MMA fighter Ruby Steele" Stop right there! Another main character in a 'tough guy' novel, who is unoriginally named Steele? While I do approve of the seven latter author name (!), I have to rate this one a barf. And a Yawn.
Straits of Power by Joe Buff
"In the midst of war, Commander Jeffrey Fuller must navigate his cutting-edge submarine to reach a German informant. Wait, the German informant is hiding in his submarine? How hard can it be to find him? "But when he suspects the man of being a double agent, the fate of his mission — and the globe — hang in the balance." Yeah right. Yawn. Another obsessed story about World War Two. When are we going to remember never to forget, but move the fuck on from these tired old, repetitive stories?
Mercy River by Glen Erik Hamilton
The title alone is warning enough to avoid this novel. Any novel with 'river' in the title is a losing proposition, period, and especially so when coupled with a term like 'mercy'!
Fallen by Lexxi James
Isn't that first name of the author missing an X? "After tragedy struck, Kathryn was there for former soldier Jake. He’s been secretly watching over her ever since." Great - a stalker novel where the weak woman falls in love with the strong savior guy - but wait, if he's to be the dominant BDSM partner, why was he so subjugated that he let her take care of him? Barf.
Boop and Eve’s Road Trip by Mary Helen Sheriff
“Warm, witty, and wise” (National Book Award–winning author Han Nolan) - whom I've never heard of so why would I take that as a recommendation? if they're an award-winning writer that's actually a disrecommendation to me! "When struggling Eve sets out on a journey to find her missing best friend, her grandmother, Boop, decides to tag along" Finally a story about what happened to Betty Boop after she left showbiz. But Boop? Seriously? Barf.
Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman
"From a #1 New York Times bestselling author comes an anthology that is both enthralling and unsettling. 'Exciting, often musical writing' (The Boston Globe), with over 17,000 five-star ratings on Goodreads." That was perfect. A book blurb that doesn't tell you shit about what's actually in the book other than that it's a collection of short stories. Great. I'm sure going to rush out and buy that one! Seriously? I don't have a great relationship with Neil Gaiman. I haven't liked a lot of what I've read of his, but he did once write a kick-ass Doctor Who episode. Definite mega-warty on the book blurb though!
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