"Following his father’s death, Joachim moves to Europe with his mother and begins working as a butler in some of the stateliest English homes. But a stint with a new employer will force Joachim to confront his family’s dark past." Of course it will because how could he ever hope to get away with it? An "American" butling in Britain? Unless, of course, it's in an "American" novel which cannot be published - by act of Congress - when set in a foregn country, unless there's at least one "American" in the book. It's the rules. Yawn.
Monday, October 11, 2021
Slayground by Richard Stark
Unoriginal title, boring plot, and Lawrence Block apparebrtly saud of this: "These are the books you’ll want on that desert island." That tells me I need never read anyhtign he;s written. Here;s the dumb plot: "Trapped in an abandoned amusement park and outnumbered by a group of criminals looking to steal his loot, Parker must pull out all the stops to stay alive." Why do I care about another tedious shoot 'em up in a neverending line of tedious shoot 'em ups? We are not amused.
Euphoria by Lily King
"...a breathtaking novel about three young anthropologists of the '30's caught in a passionate love triangle that threatens their bonds, their careers, and, ultimately, their lives." So three anthroplogists who don't have a clue about humans. I'm sure it's charming. Barf.
The Royal We by Heather Cocks, Jessica Morgan / Royally Screwed by Emma Chase
The Royal We by Heather Cocks, Jessica Morgan
"When she arrives at Oxford, American undergraduate Bex Porter finds herself falling for the dreamboat who lives across the hall. But Nick Lyons has more on his plate than simply passing his classes — he’s next in line for the British throne!" Ri-ight! Because that's how it works! And there's no way in hell she'd recognize the next in line to the British throne because Bex is a moron! Bex, really? Is she heiress to the floor sweeper empire? And hell no you can't tell a story abroad without having at least one "American" in it. That's treasonous! And who would read it anyway? Barf. One more in a tediously long line of cookie-cutter, "Hey I gotst me a prince!" uninventive shallow bullshit fiction.
Exclusive: The sequel is called "The Royal Wee-Wee" as the now happily-married couple late potty-train their baby....
AND
Royally Screwed by Emma Chase
"Prince Nicholas is used to getting what he wants — but when he’s in need of a wife, can this arrogant royal capture the heart of independent Olivia?"
How are these tow any different? The price's name is even the same. Geeze how unimaginative these authros are. Yawn.
Butcher Pen Road by Kris Lackey
"When a young boy discovers a body in an Oklahoma creek, county deputy Hannah Bond and Chickasaw Lighthorse Police Sergeant Bill Maytubby investigate — but everything about the crime scene is wrong." So they re-arrange it to make it look pretty? No? So they abduct the boy to Guantanamo and torture him until he confesses? No? So they say, "The hell with it, let's go get a beer?" There you go! I knew I'd figure it out in the end because there really isn't anything new here.
Run Away with Me by Daniel Hurst
"Happily married Laura is heavily pregnant when her husband, Adam, rushes home and shares some news… He’s done a bad thing. The police are on their way. And they need to leave — right now." So she tells him to fuck off and lives happily ever after while he rots in jail. End of sotry. Because this shitty plot sure as hell is going nowhere. Go on the run when your wife is about due? Waght kind fo a jerk does that? And what kind of a moron thinks he can honestly get away with it?
Under Siege by Stephen Coonts
"Pentagon staffer Jake Grafton races to keep bloodthirsty narco-terrorists from destroying the nation’s capital." Yawn. Nothing new here. But my question is: where are the police? For that matter, where is the FBI? Where is the CIA? Where is the OCDETF? Why is it some Petangon staffer doing this? Or is the guy just an asshole? And why not pick an original title? I can tell from this alone that I'll never need to consider reading anything by this author!
The Plastic Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
"When American Alvie arrives in London to become a magician’s apprentice, she embarks on an enchanted adventure." Of course she does, because if there's no "American" in the story, it's shit, period! That's constitutional law, right there. Gods forbid we have a novel set somewhere other than the USA which doesn't feature at least one "American" in it. Yuk, what a horrible prospect that would be.
Solitude by Dean M Cole
"From an author of 'vibrant prose' according to Multi-Platitude's Failing Kirkus! The quote was from a review for another novel, not this one, so it's misleading at best, but that's a book blurb for you. Here's the dumb plot: "Army Captain Vaughn Singleton is the last man on Earth - and when he discovers that another human, Commander Angela Brown, is barely surviving at the International Space Station, he’ll begin a race against time to make it to space and back before it’s too late." Yep. That's how desperate he is to have sex one last time. God bless him, every sperm! It's right there in the name: Singleton. They don't call it Space XXX for nothing!
So - another story about the rugged and chivalrous St George saving the maiden from the dragon. Way to go. How are those cookie cutters holding up? Still sharp? Good to know. We can expect more of the same then can we? That's just great. The author appears not to know that the ISS has a return capsule on standby at all times in case of emergencies, so the crew can escape, and those capsules can land on the ground - they do not have to 'splash down." What would be really funny is if Singleton goes up there to "rescue" the poor incompetent maiden, and she escapes and comes down to Earth, and they keep doing this throughout the novel due to poor communications....
Hostile Witness by Rebecca Forster
"When a teenager is accused of murdering her stepgrandfather, attorney Josie Baylor-Bates agrees to defend the girl. But her investigation will reveal a terrible truth that could rip the family apart" The family is already ripped apart, dipshit! Gramps was raping her and that's the entire story. Nothing new here at all.
Isle of Palms by Dorothea Benton Frank
So Dorothea's Bent on Frank huh? I knew it all along! Anyway, "When Anna returns home to South Carolina, she must confront the secrets of her dysfunctional family." That's why she's depicted on the cover obviously contemplating drowning herself. But rest assured some guy will rescue her. How many times has this dysfunctional family trope been trotted out? An ocean of times, That's how many. Yawn.
The Plastic Magician by Charlie N Holmberg
"When American Alvie arrives in London to become a magician’s apprentice, she embarks on an enchanted adventure." Of course she does, because if there's no "American" in the story, it's shit, period! That's constitutional law, right there. Gods forbid we have a novel set somewhere other than the USA which doesn't feature at least one "American" in it. Yuk, what a horrible prospect that would be.
Losing Brave by Bailee Madison, Stefne Miller
"Over a year after her twin sister’s disappearance," It's twins! Again. "Payton is led down a troubled path — and into the arms of her sister’s boyfriend" Of course she is! And it took only two people to clone this! My how efficent we're becoming with the cookie cutter....
Deadline by Jennifer Blackstream
"Witch and novice private investigator Shade" Shade? Seriously? "...gets her first case — a mission that pits her against a myriad of supernatural foes" So she casts a protection spell, to keep her safe, and casts another spell to solve the murder, and we're done. That's page one. I wonder what the other 331 pages are filled with? No, seriously, don't answer that. I don't care. All I can say is, with a retread like this, you're really not going to get much mileage from it.
Doom with a View by Kate Kingsbury
"Melanie and her grandmother, Liza, are excited for the grand opening of their bed-and-breakfast. But when a guest turns up dead, they find themselves in the limelight for the wrong reasons… Can a ghostly sidekick help them save their reputation and solve the whodunit?" Who honestly gives a shit? This same story has been told endlessly. There's nothing new here. Yawn.
The Kindred Spirits Supper Club by Amy E Reichert
"After losing her job, journalist Sabrina returns home to Wisconsin, where a handsome restaurateur — and a couple of ghosts — bring her a new beginning." This story which has been told ad infinitum has it that if a woman flees from something like a little chickenshit, she will find her rooster. Barf. How many times are we going to get this exact same story cloned? Really? How many?
Sunday, October 10, 2021
The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes by Diane Chamberlain
"Do you have any idea how many books there which feature CeeCee something-or-other on the title? Short answer: too many. "Two decades ago, CeeCee Wilkes witnessed the death of pregnant Genevieve Russell, and chose to secretly raise the baby as her own." So our hero is a kidnapper. That's just great. Barf.
Stay with Me by Jennifer L Armentrout, J Lynn
Well the title sucks. That alone screams ditch this one. "At 21, Calla has never been kissed or seen the ocean." Yeah, right. "When she returns to her hometown searching for her estranged mother, local bartender Jackson is determined to help Calla — and to check off a few boxes" You bet your ass he can't wait to check out her box. Geeze what an godawful plot this is. Because as everyone knows, a woman is useless except as a prize and Jacksoff is desperate to "claim her" as his. Barf. Anyone who writes this trash should be ashamed, and a female who writes it, particularly so. But look at it this way: it took only two people to write all that novel! Wow! I wonder if either of them know that Calla comes from a Greek word meaning the wattle of a cock?
Evensong by Krista Walsh
"Things aren’t going great for Jeff. He’s struggling to meet his book deadline, his literary agent is mad, the barista he likes doesn’t even notice him, and to top it all off: He’s been magically transported inside his own fantasy novel!" Oh what original fun! Never been done before! I can't wait to avoid this like the plague. Yawn.
Our Italian Summer by Jennifer Probst
"Will a life-changing trip through Italy help Francesca reconnect with her mother and her daughter?" Well it says 'life-changing' right there, so what do you think? I think the blurb writer is an idiot and this is most probst yet another tiresome retread of the three-generations story. Yawn.
The Girl in the Green Raincoat by Laura Lippman
While pregnant and on bed rest, PI Tess Monaghan notices the strange disappearance of a neighbor. But the investigation could put Tess — and her unborn child — in harm’s way" Yet another tedious retread of the one who comes out of retirement to save the day shtick. Yawn.
American Traitor By Brad Taylor
"American Traitor" Because who cares about anyone else?! "Pike Logan" Seriously? It's the fish guy again? "...is interrupted when they learn their friend is on the run — and his attackers are linked to a dangerous plot that could launch a global conflict." of course it coudl because it's worth nothing unless it has global impact and it's tamed by an American hero. Yawn. And then we wonder where the right wing nationalists and supremacists get their ideas.
Most Valuable Playboy by Lauren Blakely
"When quarterback Cooper needs his best friend’s sister, Violet, to bid on him at a charity date auction, he never expects their fake relationship to become so steamy" He's the only one on planet Earth who didn't. Yawn.
The Magnolia Inn by Anne-Marie Meyer
"Recently divorced and unemployed, 36-year-old Maggie’s only hope is to renovate and sell her family’s ramshackle inn on the island of Magnolia. When she arrives in the Rhode Island town, she finds buried secrets and unexpected friendship — and revives a long-forgotten book club that changes her life! Book one in a series." Of course it is because this story has only been told about ten-hundred dozen times so why not make it a series?
Shadow Chasing by Debbie Macomber
"While relaxing in sun-soaked Mexico, Carla meets handsome Philip — but can she let go of issues from her own past and open up her heart to happiness?" Apparently the only idiot who doesn't know the answer to that question is the book blurb writer because every single one of these stories ends the same predictable way. Yawn.
Sandman Slim by Richard Kadrey
“I couldn’t put it down” (Charlaine Harris)" That tells me everything I already knew about that author. "James Stark has spent the last 11 years as a hit man in Hell" What exactly, does a hitman do in hell? They're already dead. Does he make them deader? "...but now he’s back on the streets of Los Angeles and looking for revenge." There are between 200 and 300 real murders in LA every year, so, really, who cares about this fake hit-dude's petty revenge?
Tangled Vows by Anna Stone
"First in a sizzling series" Of course it is - a series for when one unimaginative book can never be enough tedium. "Escort Ruby is already drawn to Yvonne - so when the media mogul proposes a fake marriage with an irresistible payoff" what's that? That this huge lie won't harm anyone? "Ruby can’t help agreeing." How many times has this exact plot been done over and over again? Yawn. Nothing new under this genre, that's for sure.
Nun of Your Business Books 1–3 by Dakota Cassidy
"Excommunicated nun Trixie" Trixie? Really? "...and her demon buddy Coop work together to run a business in Cobbler Cove, Oregon" Of course they do. Why not?! Because demons excel at running businesses. It's what they're made for. Just look at how well Jeff Business, Mark Suckeryou, and Elon Busker are doing. "...and solve mysteries on the side! This quirky box set" That lets me out, but wait, there's more! It "features talking animals, demonic possession, and more" Now how much would you pay? Well 33 cents a book, looks like. I guess this author knows how to value her work, and I'd say she got it right.
Welcome to Spicetown by Sheri Richey
"The quaint village of Spicetown is experiencing a string of unusual events - prompting mayor Cora and police chief Conrad to investigate!" Why, because the police can't do it competently by themselves? And why does 'a quaint village' have its own police chief? And why is this "A Spicetown Mystery" - just how many murders does this not so quaint village actually have in an average year? Another ridiculous non-mystery. Barf.
Glistens by Chess Desalls
This is three strikes and out for this author. This story is about fairies, and kudos that the author has the guts to call them fairies instead of pussy-footing around it with with mealy-mouthed alternate titles, but the problem with this sort of a story is a mistake that far too many authors, including this one, make: that were supposedly in the comany of these magical and fantastical creatures, yet they're depicted not as otherworldy, but exactly like humans! They have the same hopes, dreams and ambitions as we do. They go to school. They have a class project. It was so pathetic and the project this one fairy gets - protecting a fellow fairy - was so predictably pathetic that it failed for me. I can't commend this as a worthy read. The best I can say about it is that it was short, so I didn't fell like I'd wasted as much time with this as I might have otherwise.
Lantern by Chess Desalls
This really was a non-story - very short, about a girl who wanders stupidly in the woods around her home, gets lost, and encoutners a lantern which is lit by some sort of a tiny person inside the lantern. It was boring and went nowhere. And it's suppsoed ot be itnroductory to a series? Yawn. Shrot as it was, I barely had the interest to follow this to the end, I sure as hell am not going to read a whole series on this tedious topic. Since when is a sixteen year old obsessed with scoring candy on Halloween? Scoring a boyfriend I could see. Scoring drugs or booze, maybe, but candy? Honestly?
Bed and Breakfast and Murder by Patti Larsen
This is one of those murder mysteries that's so pathetic I don't give it the time of day, but once in a while I like to punish myself by trying to read a sample of one of those genres I so despise, if only to make sure my take on them really is as bad as it seems, and this one served only to confirm that. It is well known that standards are laughably low for this genre, but even by those rock-bottom criteria, this one was a fail with juvenile humor, OCD fart jokes, and one-dimensional characters, the main one of which was consistently obnoxious.
The story is your typical unimaginative clone of every other such story: Fiona Fleming inherits a B&B and just for good measure, is also is fleeing New York City precisely because she's a failure. It's the usual garbage: she loses her boyfriend and her job and flies the coop like the worthless little chickenshit she is, yet somehow she stupidly imagines that she can make a go of a business venture despite being a disaster on two inevitably shapely, manly-man-attracting legs. Yawn.
Why female authors so delight in depicting worthless women is a source of unending wonder to me. Does it somehow make them feel better about their own lives? I don't know. I can't think of any valid reason for so many female authors to take such delight in ruthlessly killing off the dreams of so many weak female characters. That's the only real murder mystery here. There's certainly nothing new, original, or inventive to be had from this genre: it's just another unqualified female meddling in police business that she has no business interfering with.
It's first person voice, so it sucks for that alone, and it's just stupid: idiotically written and going nowhere fast. I couldn't stand to read more than a few pages of this piece of trash without gagging at how bad and unrealistic it truly was. So no: I am not wrong about this particular genre, because every time I give it a chance, it turns out to be exactly as I feared it would be.
Symbiont Seeking Symbiont by Jennifer Foehner Wells
Allus Jenson is part of a pirate crew in a spacecraft that is forced to land on a barren planet for repairs. While this is in progress, Jensen, like a moron, wanders off and encounters a species of sentient bacterium which effectively gang-rapes her in the sense that this group of them take over her body without her permission. That's it. That's the entire story! Barf. I'm not sure how much the author actually undertsands about bacteria, and this was not a worthy read.
No Good Deed by MP McDonald
This was a rare worthy read. The story has been done before, but this take on it was an unusual one in my experience. In 2001, Mark Taylor is in possession of an old still frame 35mm camera, and he discovers that it creates some images which he never pointed the camera at, and those pictures when developed, show acts of violence, death, and terrorism. That same night, he dreams of those images. This gets him into trouble, because on the morning of September 11th that year, he calls in a desperate plea to try and prevent tragedy and finds himself abducted to solitary confinement, interrogation and torture as an enemy non-combatant.
I hope our security services are better and smarter than the ones depicted here, because I had some issues with that, but eventually Mark is freed through lack of evidence, and is left to try and pick up the peices of his destroyed life. The crux comes when he starts using his camera again and finds that it has taken more pictures of yet another terrorist attack to come. The question is, does he dare report this one?
There was only one glaring writing issue that I picked up on, and I see this frequently: "The paramedic wrapped a blood pressure cuff around his uninjured bicep" No! Unless the paramedic - who sure as hell should know better - actually incised into the man's upper arm, selected one of the two bicep attachments that link the biceps muscle to the humerus, and wrapped the cuff around that, then he wrapped the cuff around the guys biceps! It's never used singularly except in an anatomical context. The biceps is the msucle that bulges when you flex your arm. The bicep is one of the two ligaments that attaches the biceps to the bone. Every writer should know this, but increasingly, I'm seeing many of them fail, thinking, I dunno, maybe thinkign biceps is the pural that applies to both upper arm muscles, so if you're talking about only one of them, it must be bicep? I dunno. I do know writing standards are falling, for sure.
That minor quibble aside, and in general terms, I liked how this was written, although there were parts I skimmed because it seemed that a particular motif, especially the interrogation, went on way too long. There were other bits I found uninteresting, but I liked the ending and overall I enjoyed the story, so I commend this as a worthy read. That said I am not into series and this is part of a series which I do not intend to pursue.
Saturday, October 9, 2021
The Infinite Sea by Jeffrey A Carver
"As they sink to the bottom of an alien ocean, John and his company are rescued by mer-creatures called the Neri. But with threats closing in from above and below the surface, can the crew help the seafolk survive?" Of course Kirkclueless Reviews loved this, but - and correct me if I'm wrong - wasn't this pretty much the plot of the movie "The Abyss"?! Yawn.
Watch Me by Stacey Kennedy/Watch Her by Edwin Hill
So...do you watch me, or do you watch her? I dunno! She's probably more interesting than I am, let's face it. In "Watch Me" by Stacey Kennedy, we learn that "At the exclusive sex club Phoenix, members can only watch what happens on stage, not touch. But club owner Rhys Harrington will break his own rules to have innocent Zoey Parker for himself..." Yeah, because she has no say in the matter. If he wants her, she has to be his - like she's a sex doll, not a person. her inncoence jsut makes her a sweeter posssession, right? This story is disgusting and the author should be ashamed of herself for aiding and abetting the turning of women into male possessions.
OR Watch Her by Edwin HillLike I said, she's likely to be more interesting no matter what she's doing, since I just sit around writing and drawing all day, but I'll sure watch anything except this since it's a novel that the Kirkus clan claims is "masterly." Really? Did that word get there by accident?
Elfin by Quinn Loftis
"Cassie thinks she's just an ordinary girl - until Trik, a dark elf assassin, enters her world and claims her heart. But can Cassie look beyond the darkness in his past?" Why would she? The guy is a murderer! And Trik? Really? This is screaming that it's yet another dumb-ass, full of shitty situations and crappy writing YA novel. And what's this about claiming her heart? Is she being parted out for sale? Don't miss it; avoid it like a Trump Rally.
Grass by Sheri S Tepper
The idiot blurb has it that, "As a pestilence ravages the galaxy, humanity sends Marjorie Westriding Yrarier and her family to investigate a seemingly immune planet." How a pestilence would ravage totally unrelated alien communities across an entire galaxy is the real mystery here. Another dumb plot from another author who doesn't have the first clue about biochemistry and epidemiology, and worse, who doesn't even care.
Unexpected Blessings by Barbara Taylor Bradford
"From a #1 New York Times bestselling author who “enthralls readers” (RT Book Reviews)" If she's a number one bestseller why is she reduced to flogging cut-rate books in a discount flyer? "In this “lively” family saga" (Booklist)" Seriously, they had to quote that? "...three generations of Harte women must contend with secrets from the past — and an unidentified enemy" Unexpected would be if it wasn't three generations. It. Always. Is. Barf.
The EC Tubb Boxset by EC Tubb
Discover a universe full of aliens, space travel, magic, and more! Science fiction fans will enjoy these classic stories from an author whose “reputation for fast-moving and colorful sci-fi writing is unmatched by anyone in Britain" Only 'coz I don't live there! LOL! Since when is box set one word? And why box set? Where's the box? Don't they mean 'collection'? Barf.
Captive Star by Nora Roberts
"Handcuffed together and on the run from hired killers, Jack Dakota and MJ O’Leary aren’t exactly getting along." I think this story is handcuffed to uninventive and unimaginative tedium. I refuse to read any story with a main character named Jack on principal - it's the most over-used go-to name ever. This book smacks of sheer boredom and a chronic lack of originality from the author. yawn.
Atlantis Stolen by Christopher Cartwright
If it's Atlantis Stolen by Christopher Cartwright, then we know exactly who to arrest! LOL! "A catastrophe on the horizon could wipe out human civilization — and the key to survival is hidden away in the lost, sunken city of Atlantis. Can marine biologist Sam Reilly crack an ancient code and save the world?" Seriously? Atlantis? Can this author not find anything original to write about? Yawn.
Silenced Girls by Roger Stelljes
"For 20 years, FBI agent Tori Hunter has stayed away from her Minnesota hometown - until a girl’s disappearance brings her back to find the truth." Yet another unoriginal story about a retired agent or police officer, or one who has left their hometown behind, coming back to take on a case. Tired. tedious. Retreaded. Yawn.
The Stationmaster’s Cottage by Phillipa Nefri Clark
"After Christie inherits a ramshackle seaside cottage, she discovers mysterious wedding rings and a collection of love letters in the attic — and is swept up in a romantic story 50 years in the making." Yet another boring take on a tired trope. How many times has this crap been retreaded? Yawn.
Relationship Material by Jenya Keefe
"Nurse Evan feels like he’ll never know true love — so when attorney Malcolm, his sister’s sexy best friend, comes around, they agree to a fling with no strings attached. But as they begin to fall in love, can they risk their hearts for something real?" Seriously? You need ask that question when the trope answer is already known? A no-strings fling with all the diseases you can beat. Barf.
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler
"When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power - vodka. You would too if you found out that your boyfriend was having an affair with a Peekapoo or if you had to pretend to be honeymooning with your father in order to upgrade to first class." So: lying, drinking, cheating? No thanks.
The Academy Journals Volume One by Garrett Robinson
"Descended from a long line of dark alchemists, Ebon is mistrusted by students and teachers at the Academy. When he gets sucked into a sinister scheme, can he find the strength to battle for good against his wicked family?" My guess is yes, otherwise why write the damn book? So we can see him fail and lose? And sinister? Really? One of the most overused words in book descriptions, along with 'brutal'. I won't read this on principal. And 'Ebon'? Is this guy black? I give up.
Everybody Sees the Ants by AS King
"...Lucky has a secret-one that helps him wade through the daily mundane torture of his life. In his dreams, Lucky escapes to the war-ridden jungles of Laos-the prison his grandfather couldn't escape-where Lucky can be a real man." Seriously? Double Barf from an apparently appropriately-named author.
Vinyl by Sophia Elaine Hanson
"In an isolated city, a hypnotic implant keeps citizens under control. When Ronja meets an agent of the resistance, she discovers a movement determined to stop the government’s manipulation." What are the odds that agent is the hot guy she falls for because she's useless without him. Another dumb plot. Another dumb story. Another dumb romance. Yawn.
Deadhead and Buried by HY Hanna
"City girl Poppy heads to the English countryside to claim a mysterious inheritance. When she arrives, she’s shocked to find herself the owner of a charming cottage garden nursery" Why is she shiocked? Did this dumbass not lsiten to the reading of the will? "...with a dead body on the premises!" Of corpse there is! And so yet another girl running from the city to the countryside to inherit a property with a dead body in it - and of course the cops are so useless that she has to solve it. How unoriginal. Yawn.
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